While looking for material for my comedy show Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing, where funny people share terrible books, I discovered this pink-covered terror by searching random terms in Google Books. God bless the search function.
The first time I shared Derek Evan’s manifesto at Say Wha?! was sometime in 2010. Back then I only had the Google Book preview for material.
Luckily that gave me enough material to do a solid 10 minutes on the show. Over time, I was compelled to know more and dive deeper into the terribleness of this book. I was blessed again when the Kindle edition came out. That’s right, I put down $5 of my hard earned money to share this information with you. You’re welcome.
I can tell you, in my expert opinion having spent over two years looking for terrible books, this is the worst non-fiction dating advice book I have ever come across.
The author Derek Evans comes across as a sociopath, or at the least severely autistic, as he breaks down step-by-step how to interact with a topless dancer (or any other female on earth). Every action is broken down from how you should prepare yourself before visiting a club (visualization exercises and what you should wear) then he gets down to the nitty gritty of interacting with the opposite sex (make eye contact and smile).
Derek Evans, has written many dating books on diverse topics like How to Seduce Hot & Sexy Beautiful Women, How To Pick Up Women in Night Clubs, How to Select a Dating Service, and How to Improve Your Golf with Self-Administered Hypnotism, all published by Gemini Publishing Co. which is associated with GetGirls.com – a website eternally stuck in 2001, which calls itself the “World’s Leading Source for Seducing Women.”
WHAT THE BOOK COVERS
The beginning of the book describes what a topless club is all about, incase you’re a minor who has never been to one. He instructs about the best and worse places to sit in a topless dancing bar which are exactly the same places as in any other establishment; avoid tables near the bathroom.
He breaks down the types of women that choose Topless Dancing as a career, they include: The Man Hater, Lesbians and BiSexuals, Gold-diggers, The Young and Inexperienced, and the High and Loaded dancers, among 12 other types.
He gives the reader lots of ‘sure fire’ tips like conversation topics for topless dancers, because these women are unlike other women in the world. Why are they different? Well, as Evans describes them, they are “bimbos, airheads and not the most intelligent women you will ever meet.” Because their “intelligence may have been altered by drugs, too much alcohol, coming from a dysfunctional family, no education, low self-esteem, or she may be naturally stupid.” Really guys, Evans has 20 years of experience picking up Topless Dancers.
Just like conversation topics topless dancers need special dates to be asked out on. Here are some of his “sure fire” suggestions: dinner theatre, jet ski rides, go carts, kite flying, hay rides and of course, the classic tattoo date.
OTHER BRILLIANT ADVICE FROM THE BOOK
* “Photograph Naked Topless Dancers Women in this industry “love” to be photographed, it feeds their neurosis that they’re something more than some bimbo showing her tits off to the public. They can live in a dream world thinking that someday “they’re gonna be a star” and they’re just waiting for the right break. Nothing could be further from the truth because basically men want to screw them and see their naked bodies. Still they think they are on their way to some destination or other, like the next Cindi Crawford or some whacked out dream like that.”
* “Bring a “Laughing Machine,” with you to topless clubs. They are battery operated and loads of fun to make dancers laugh. You can buy them at your local novelty shop. They come in a cloth bag and you just push a button and they start laughing like crazy.” Really? REALLY?
* “When you go to a club, dress like a biker with lots of leather. Dancers love leather!”
* “Wear a button to topless clubs. On your button it will say, “I love topless dancers.” Where do you get these custom-made buttons? Look in your yellow pages under “Buttons.” Also you can do a search on google.com and plug in the word: custom made buttons – There you will find tons of companies that make custom made buttons.” Custom made buttons, you say? What a novel idea!
* He tries to sell readers a pheromone cologne called “Liquid Magnet,” which “works on blondes, brunettes, redheads, whites, blacks, Orientals, Indians, and Hispanics…virtually any dancer who comes within “sniffing distance” of your undeniably masculine scent.” Does this remind anyone of Anchorman’s Sex Panther?
* By far my favorite quote from the book: “I think it’s safe to say, if you bought a book on picking up topless dancers, you masturbate and perhaps too much.”
THE REAL SAY WHA?! MOMENT
For me the biggest Say Wha?! came when the book advocates rape. Yes, it does that.
Under the Chapter How to Get Topless Dancers to Go Home With You he suggests that you invite her over for a hot tub party.
“If you don’t have a hot tub, I would suggest that you invest in one. Why? Take it from me, there’s just something about lying in hot tub sipping champagne or margaritas that makes dancers lose their inhibitions. Don’t be surprised either if she goes topless or even nude in the hot tub. Can you just imagine yourself in your hot tub with a naked topless dancer? Just keep feeding her champagne or margaritas and make your move. You should be able to score if she’s attracted to you or so drunk she doesn’t know what she’s doing.”
Still interested in this ridiculous book originally published in 1996? I suggest you read the Amazon reviews.