Vogon Poetry Wanted

When I was a teenager I rebelled against my sci-fi loving family by straying as far away as I could from that genre; basically I read things like Jane Austen and essays on third wave feminism. Because of that I missed out on reading this very funny book. Luckily though, I’ve been contacted by the Vancouver Public Library to host a bad Vogon poetry night as part of their One Book One Vancouver book club. I’m reading this book now and loving the bad, bad poetry within it. I hope you can read it too and write your own poem for this very fun contest. I’ll see you at the Vogon Slam on Monday November 29!

Here’s the info about the contest:

Are you the best Vogon Slam poet in Vancouver? Does your poetic prose melt paint off walls or cause spontaneous vomiting? Do your sonnets make even the most hardened criminals beg for mercy? Prove it and you will win $100 Canadian Earth Dollars!

We are looking for the absolutely worst poems in the universe to be presented slam style at our evening gala on November 29, 7pm.
If selected, you will present your work in the most outla…ndishly horrible fashion possible to gain the favour of five randomly selected judges. The final winner will be determined in a sudden death Vog-Off!

To enter, send your best Vogon poem to programs@vpl.ca. Submission deadline: November 12, 2010.

The Rules:
“Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe.” Repulsive and unpleasant sounding, Vogon poetry contains made-up words that are not curse words, but sound as if they are. Vogon poems can be about anything, nothing in particular or something generally thought to be disgusting like, burps or throwing up.

An example of Vogon Poetry from chapter 7 (pg. 43) of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy:
The Vogon began to read–a fetid little passage of his own devising. “Oh freddled gruntbuggly . . . ” he began, “. . . . thy micturations are to me — As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Groop I implore thee,” continued the merciless Vogon, “my foonting turlingdromes.” His voice was rising to a horrible pitch of impassioned stridency. “And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,/ Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t!”

Finalists will be notified by November 16, and will perform on Monday night, November 29th starting at 7pm at the “Restaurant at the End of the Universe” (the Peter Kaye & Alma VanDusen Rooms at Vancouver Public Library, Central Branch).

Extra respect will be awarded for referencing any or all of the following:
* Author’s name: Douglas Adams
* A location in Vancouver
* A celestial body
* The name of a kitchen utensil
* A disease
* Word(s) associated with a library
* Points might be deducted if the poet laughs (except ironically), stumbles over one of their made-up words, or looks happy during presentation
* Silly costumes, props and an energetic slam style are encouraged
* Poems must not exceed three minutes

The fine print:
1. Entrants should submit two poems for consideration. One poem will be a backup poem for finalists in the sudden death “Vog-off” (see below).
2. The top three contestants will each perform a second, “sudden death” poem, not to exceed three minutes. (This is the Vog-off).
3. Each poem submitted must be the original work of the entrant.
4. Participants must not have granted any person or entity other than the Library the right to use their poems.
5. All submissions become property of the Vancouver Public Library, and will not be returned to entrants.
6. Entrants grant the Library and affiliated organizations unlimited royalty-free use of their submissions and permission to create, copy, reproduce, exhibit, publish or distribute submitted poems. Uses may include, but are not limited to, DVDs, photographs, websites, multimedia programs, print or other types of promotional media existing now or in the future.
7. A panel of judges will determine the winning poem. The judges’ decisions, regarding placing and interpretation of the rules, are final.

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