Day Two/ Three

All my adult life I’ve lived close to others: in apartment buildings, a subdivided house and a rowhouse. Except for two years, I’ve always had a roommate.

I currently reside in a cute little bungalow. It has one main level with two bedrooms and a basement suite. You could fit another house with a decent yard in my backyard. This is to say for the first time in my adult life I don’t have neighbors toppling over me.

This might be why I am finding this week of silence extremely isolating and eerie. There is no one else within 20 meters of me the sound of the radio or television is comforting. But not this week. Oh no, I had to choose the week when there is absolutely no one around to see if I could handle silence.

What I’ve discovered in the silence is this: there is an asshole living inside my head. Without white noise or stimulating broadcasts I am left with a near-constant belittling of my being. If these thoughts existed in human form it would look something like: Andre the Giant filled with the hatred of Hitler and the need to attack like that of a ravenous bear.

To combat this asshole who tells me the opposite of what Stuart Smalley told himself, I’ve taken to escapism via the internet, reading and working at making a set list for Dance Dance Party Party – even though I’m not DJing this week. Bascially I’m finding other escapes than simply putting background noise on. I’m unplugged – ish.

So mission silence is enlightening, but not the way I expected it to be. Perhaps the only way I could truly unplug is to go on a silent retreat. What do you think? Is reading or working just another way to plug in?

Do you have an asshole living inside your head?

Asshole inside my head living alone quiet silence Stuart Smalley unplugged