Crazy Eyes and Honest Abe

Have you seen me on your TV lately? No? Well, here’s some screen time with my face.

The first one might not have made it to air but I just found it online. The second one came out this week.

img_4820
This ad was so fun and weird. “Make your eyes really big and make your mouth like you’re sucking on a mint.”

img_4816
I’ve played a horrible teacher before but now I play the most fun teacher you’ll ever have!

I Am A Fake Mom – A True Short Story

I’m getting back into sharing things I have written. Remember that was a thing I used to do? I should do it again. For fun. Why not?

I posted this on Facebook a week ago and it got a big response, partially from the tribe of mothers on there. 

This is the first in a series of true short stories I hope to share with you. Enjoy. 

mom-kid-boy-playing-block-toys-home-mother-46950592
Obviously, this is a stock photo. I’m not paying going to pay for it. I bet this fake mom made $500 for her day of posing with babies. Good on ya, woman!

Today at a casting office a guy asked me to watch his baby while he went in to his audition.

The child was maybe a year old, walking, carrying a blankie, and wanted nothing to do with me. He started to fuss 30 seconds after he was left in my care and tried to get into the room where his father had gone. I tried to distract him with his books- I used to be a storyteller at the public library in Calgary and I was very good. This child didn’t think so. The baby started to cry. I scooped him up to try to calm him and not disturb the audition. He screamed in my ear. I carried him away. He screamed louder.

I tried to explain to the baby that I wasn’t abducting him and that his real parent would come back soon and we wouldn’t have to deal with each other ever again. I told the baby that his father was in an audition to make money so that he could pay for the baby’s college tuition, but the baby didn’t understand me.

All the young hip women auditioning for a fun road trip car commercial in the other room stared at me. ‘Who the hell is this lady and what is wrong with this baby?’ they must have thought. Also, ‘ugh, stop it.’

After about 3 minutes of baby screaming, the dad was done his audition, the child was reunited with his father.  He stopped crying instantly.

See, stupid baby, I told you so.

Then I was called in to do my audition. I didn’t ask anyone to watch my purse while I was in the room.

Moral of the story: I might audition for mom roles, but I’m not the mothering type.

Update: I didn’t get a callback for that audition. Thanks, screaming baby.