On Friday I had a super fun show at Hot Art Wet City with a full room of lovely people who listened to me rant about how awful the Fifty Shades book series is. I called it a comedy protest over the filming of Fifty Shades of Grey: The mMovie right here in Vancouver.
I had SO MUCH material that I didn’t get to do the audience participation part. I was going to get people up to read random sentences out of the book. I thought I’d share that with with world. This series is full of stinkers.
I don’t think you need to have read the books or been to the show to appreciate the awfulness of this prose. Enjoy!
Fifty Shades of Grey
With the flick of a switch, Bruce Springsteen surrounds us. “Gotta love Bruce,” he grins at me and eases the car out of the parking space and up the steep ramp where we pause for the barrier.
“One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen.” “Oh.” Holy shit that’s young! “She had very particular tastes. I was her submissive for six years.” He shrugs.
This baby is all ready to go, practically anywhere on the planet.” He looks longingly at it. “My account?” “Your new e-mail address.” I have an e-mail address?
Finally, my medulla oblongata recalls its purpose. I breathe.
“Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes. “Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.”
I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all.
I have brought Kate’s gray halter-neck dress that I wore for my graduation. It’s the only dressy item I have.
He was having dinner with her. My scalp prickles as adrenaline and fury lance through my body, all my worst fears realized. How could he? I am away for two days, and he runs off to that evil bitch.
Fifty Shades Darker
“Now, gentlemen, pray gather around, and take a good look at what could be yours for the first dance. Twelve comely and compliant wenches.”
I am reeling. Christian loves me? He hasn’t said it, and this woman has told him that’s how he feels? How bizarre. A hundred images dance through my head: the iPad, the gliding, flying to see me, all his actions, his possessiveness, $100,000 for a dance. Is this love?
“What did you mean about a big day tomorrow?” I ask to distract myself. “Dr. Greene is coming to sort you out. Plus, I have a surprise for you.” “Dr. Greene!” I halt. “Yes.” “Why?” “Because I hate condoms,” he says quietly. His eyes glint in the soft light from the paper lanterns, gauging my reaction. “It’s my body,” I mutter, annoyed that he hasn’t asked me. “It’s mine, too,” he whispers. I gaze up at him as various guests pass by, ignoring us. He looks so earnest. Yes, my body is his … he knows it better than I do.
I switch on my computer and fire up my e-mail program—and of course there’s an e-mail from Christian.
He does want me to move in. Oh, Christian—it’s too soon. I put my head in my hands to try and recover my wits. This is all I need after my extraordinary weekend. I haven’t had a moment to myself to think through and understand all that I have experienced and discovered these last two days.
“You feel so fine under this material, and I can see everything—even this.” He tugs gently on my pubic hair through the fabric, making me gasp, while his other hand fists in my hair at my nape.
My subconscious has crossed her arms and is wearing Burberry check
Fifty Shades Freed
“I love you,” I murmur, and he smiles his heart-achingly shy smile, and I melt. “I will always love you, Christian.” “And I you,” he says softly. “In spite of my disobedience?” I raise my eyebrow. “Because of your disobedience, Anastasia.” He grins. I crack my spoon through the burned sugar crust of my dessert and shake my head. Will I ever understand this man? Hmm—this crème brulée is delicious.
My subconscious glares up at me over her half-moon spectacles, distracted from volume two of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens, and mentally chastises me. Leave the poor man alone, Ana.
I, on the other hand, don’t seem to be able to shake my mood. I pick at my food. Christian said I was fat yesterday. He was joking! My subconscious glares at me again.
My husband—my hot, beautiful husband, shirtless and in cut-off jeans—is reading a book predicting the collapse of the Western banking system.
“It’s too early to see the heartbeat, but yes, you’re definitely pregnant. Four or five weeks, I would say.” She frowns. “Looks like the shot ran out early. Oh well, that happens sometimes.” I am too stunned to say anything. The little blip is a baby. A real honest to goodness baby. Christian’s baby. My baby. Holy cow. A baby!
It’s happening. Fifty Shades of Grey is being made into a movie. It’s supposed to start filming on Monday, right here in Vancouver.
Last week I saw a girl on the bus the other way with audition sides. The top page read, INTERIOR – Christian Grey’s Office. My first thought: fuck, this is really happening. My second thought: why didn’t I get an audition?
Tonight I’m having a comedy protest Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing show at Hot Art Wet City where I will highlight the horribleness of the Fifty Shades series.
I’ve invited three very talented and funny people to read the most popular sex scenes from the books: poet and dress-wearer Dina Del Bucchia, musical comedian Shirley Gnome, and The Unstoppable drag queen Conni Smudge.
It’s going to be a very fun night. Way more fun than the hours I spend reading that garbage. I READ IT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.
You do not want to miss this show. I will never do it again. Also, Scout Magazine chose it as one of the 10 Things You Should Absolutely Do this week in Vancouver.
Tickets are still* available HERE
Possible standing room available at the door. 2206 Main Street, bring cash.
*I’m scheduling this post at 11:30pm Thursday. Last I checked there were a few tickets left.
Every week Scout Magazine rounds up some of the best things happening in Vancouver. I’m lucky enough to have been on it a few times in the past. Today it happened again.
From Scout Magazine
LAUGH | Say Wha?! (Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing) goes down Friday night. If you’re not familiar with it, Say Wha?! is a comedy show wherein performers put their spin on some of the most cringe-worthy, embarrassing and painfully earnest writing ever found in print. This Friday’s readings, hosted by comedian and Say Wha?! founder Sara Bynoe, will be dedicated to satirizing the Fifty Shades of Grey series – what could be more cringe-worthy and embarrassing than that? Hustle over to Main Street and settle in for a night of schadenfun.
Fri, Nov. 29 | Doors: 7:30pm | Hot Art Wet City (2206 Main Street) | $10 | Tickets
Say Wha?! The Podcast shares recordings from my monthly comedy show Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing.
This episode features the very funny comedian Dylan Rhymer who covers the teenage addiction story “Go Ask Alice” as well as his own personal history with drugs.
Here’s a recap of last night’s Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing
The book I chose last week to read at Say Wha?! has been on my Say Wha?! bookshelf for about 6 months now. (I keep my good books separated from my terrible ones). I don’t know why I chose this month to share it. I decided I was sick of dating books, because I’m officially giving up on ever finding love in this city, so I needed something else. Or maybe the spirit world had something to do with me choosing this book.
In The Afterlives of the Rich and Famous Sylvia Browne channels her spirit guide Francine and asks questions about what happened to our favourite celebrities. I covered, Bob Marley, Chris Farley, Albert Einstein and Michael Jackson.
An hour before the show I was at the Cottage Bistro and decided to Google Sylvia Browne one last time to see if there were any funny facts about her I could use in my reading. The first thing that came up was an article from CNN posted 27 minutes prior: Sylvia Brown dies. SAY WHA?! INDEED! Then Eric Fell yelled out that she died right at the top of my reading and ruined my closer.
Here’s what everyone else read:
Actor, writer, director and Fringe Festival King TJ Dawe made his debut on the show with Steven Tyler’s autobiography, Does the Noise in My Head Bother You? Yes. Yes it did.
Comedian and Improvisor Kyle Fines brought to life the ridiculous horror of Someone I Love is Gay, complete with sound effects.
Local improvisor and D & D Critical Hit Show master Eric Fell was back for his umpteenth time with Crash, a famous book turned into a famous movie that I didn’t realize was all about someone walking around with semen in their hands.
MLP: Friendship is Magic director Jim Miller also performed at Say Wha?! for the first time with a book that brought together themes from my book and Kyle’s: Revelations Of – Unexplained Mysteries by Dr. Elnour Bey Iskander The Ancient Traveller.
Closing out the night was comedian Dylan Rhymer who shared his history of drug use and compared it to the teenage ‘journal’ and bestseller Go Ask Alice.
Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing is a comedy show that explores the publishing world and makes fun at the worst books ever printed.
Tonight I’ll be reading from Sylvia Brown’s book, mentioned in the above video.
Wednesday, November 20
Cottage Bistro – 4468 Main Street
Sliding scale at the door – suggested $10, minimum of $5 – cash only
Hosted by Sara Bynoe
Listen to the podcast http://saywhapodcast.libsyn.com/
You know Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing my monthly comedy show where funny people read from terrible books (happening this Wednesday at Cottage Bistro).
Well, there are a lot of terrible musical theatre songs out there in the world and we’re going to share those with you!
We’re diving deep into the musical theatre cannon and pulling out the worst, most offensive, and down right terrible songs we can find. It’s entertaining, hilarious, and catchy!
Say Wha?! The Musical Edition is co-hosted and co-produced by Sara Bynoe and Mike Mackenzie.
Featured singers: Cory Haas, Devon Busswood, Jill Raymond, Julie Casselman, and Erik Gow.
Little Mountain – 195 E 26 Ave, Vancouver MAP
Pre-online sales CLOSED. $15 at the door
SPECIAL DEAL because you read my blog if you come to the door and say “JAZZ HANDS” you can get in for $10.
This month I have three special Say Wha?! shows. Why? Because I felt like it!
Monday, November 18 – Say Wha?! The Musical Edition
Little Mountain, 195 E 26 Ave, Doors 7:30pm, Show 8-10pm, $10 in advance, possible door sales
We did this in the summer and it was SO MUCH FUN. Mike MacKenzie is a musical theatre queen, together we will go through the cannon and showcase the WORST songs ever sung on Broadway.
Wednesday, November 20 – Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing
Cottage Bistro – 4468 Main Street, 8-10pm, $5-10 at the door
The classic edition. This month’s readers include: TJ Dawe, Eric Fell, Kyle Fines, Jim Miller, and Dylan Rhymer.
Friday, November 29 – Fifty Shades of Say Wha?!
Hot Art Wet City – 2206 Main Street, $10 in advance, very limited seating.
Since Fifty Shades of Grey is going to film in Vancouver soon I figured it’s a perfect time to remind people just how AWFUL these books where. Select ‘sexy’ readings by special guest TBA.
Don’t live in Vancouver? Well, you can always listen to the podcast and catch highlights of the Say Wha?! show.