I’m On A Boat … S.O.S.

A few days ago I said to someone that my main regret about being an East Van person is that I rarely enjoy the ocean. I’m at the beach infrequently, I hardly head down to the seawall, and I’m never on a boat or in the water. I reiterated this story Saturday while I was on a boat in English Bay, minutes before the engine lost power.

If you’ve watched the Lonely Island video (above) you’ll have an idea about what I was hoping my boat experience to be like. Alas, there were no flippy floppies, or nautical themed pashmina afghans.

Here’s how I got there; Saturday morning I was supposed to be shooting a scene for a film I’m working on (low-budget/non-paying/ don’t get excited). We met at 9:30 a.m. and within minutes I was soaked from the miserable downpour that is a Vancouver winter. “You’re going out?!” an old man exclaimed, shaking his head at us as we headed towards a 30-foot sailboat.

After a few hours of unrelenting rain, the director called off the shoot. Some people went home, but lunch was being made, and I decided to hang out for a while. Ya know, to bond with the crew … okay, to get a free lunch.

The rain stopped around 1 p.m. and the suggestion of going out for a quick little cruise was brought up. Why not, I thought, I had nothing else going on that day, I might as well have an adventure.

Vancouver from a boat in English Bay.

Our team was down to four people: the captain of the boat, the director of the film, the make-up artist and me. A mini cast of Gilligan’s Island. The sun was starting to shine and the day was getting better. It was supposed to be a three hour tour, or less.

“We should have hung in. This is perfect weather for the shoot now,” I said to the director. Then we all shrugged.

I took a picture of the city and remarked on how beautiful it is.

I started thinking about what it is that people love about this city; the mountains, the ocean, the ability to rollerblade nearly every day of the year. These are things I often scoff about (especially the rollerblading) but in this moment, I got it. Vancouver is about enjoying the best of everything. It’s a city and a village. It’s being on the beach in the morning and hiking a mountain in the afternoon. It’s shooting a film and getting to hang-out on a boat when the sun comes out. It’s perfect. It’s not too hot, not too cold, not too big or too small; it’s just right.

Then the engine died.

It was then that our captain mentioned he’d taken it it in for service a week ago because this exact same thing happened before. Oy.

Close to a tanker in a little boat.

I knew we were going to be fine. I could see the Jerico yacht club. I could still see downtown. We were fine. But we were getting pretty close to a huge tanker … that was anchored.

Our captain made a few radio calls saying we needed a tow, but no one answered. A fancy power boat passed us speeding out of False Creek, ignoring our waves for attention.

Our options were to try and find someone our captain knew to tow us back into the dock, or pay for a tow. Being the low-budget project that we were, none of us wanted to shell out any money. Well, the director did offer to.

That’s when I jokingly said to my companions, “I’m going to tweet this.” And I did.

First Tweet to Save Our Souls

Apparently I don’t have any followers on Twitter that own boats. This is a shame. So, I put a message on Facebook. This got a better response. Mostly from friends who were taking this situation much more seriously than I was. “Call the Coast Guard” was the popular response from my stranded ‘check in’ at English Bay, after “are you serious?”

Picture from my phone of my Google Map location.

Forty-five minutes after our engine failure, various attempts to fix it, radioing for help, seeing the speed boat return to False Creek and ignore our waves again, one of my friends who’d seen my Tweets called the Coast Guard. They then put out a call on our behalf, which was then responded to by the Vancouver Police. Yay, we cheered, as this meant we were going to get a free tow from the experts, and not die at sea like I was starting to imagine.

Our Heroes!

The guys that helped us out where amazing. They were funny, easy-going uniformed men who could parallel park a boat. They towed us back to our dock, with no questions asked. As we disembarked their fancy ship we all shook hands, then thanked our lucky stars.

Two days later, I’m still a little land-sick, but very happy to be back on dry land. Maybe being an East Van girl does have it’s advantages. 

I’m going to end this post with a fantastic tweet from Scott Brown that summarizes this experience perfectly.

Scott Brown, sports editor at the Vancouver Sun.


Sex, Lies and Leprechauns … Say Wha?!

While doing my Say Wha?! research I came across this great blog Evil Librarian Supervillian and her post Bodice Rippers: 21 Of The Most Ridiculous Romance Novels…EVER. One of the titles in it is Sex, Lies and Leprechauns.

At tonight’s Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writting I will be reading from that blimey title. Here’s the summary:

Sex Lies and Leprechauns
Author: Renee Roszel

BEGUILED… — Sex: Okay, so what if Devlin Rafferty was as handsome as the devil, and sexy and charming to boot! Laura Todd was a woman on a mission–to find a missing heir in Ireland. And if that wasn’t reason enough to avoid Devlin, she’d vowed to steer clear of men after having her heart broken…twice. — Lies: A little pleasurable diversion with Devlin couldn’t hurt, Laura rationalized. Except it was becoming too darn pleasurable–and threatening to become a lot more than a diversion.

Leprechauns: Faith and begorrah! Dare she believe in Devlin’s declaration of everlasting love for her at first sight? Yeah, sure, and soon she’d be believing in leprechauns, too!

SHOW INFO:

Say Wha?! February 15

Cottage Bistro – 4470 Main Street

Show starts at 8 pm ends before 10 pm
Post Valentine’s Day Love and Romance themed readings by:

Riel Hahn
Barbara Kozicki
Aaron Mccallum
Sam S Mullins
Robyn Volk

Pay at the door with a sliding scale to suit your budget: suggested $10 minimum $5. 

East Van Comedy presents Teen Angst Night

I’ve been so busy lately that I forgot to tell you about Teen Angst Night this Sunday, February 12. 


TEEN ANGST NIGHT presented at EAST VAN COMEDY

When: Sunday, February 12, 2012

Where: Havana Theatre - 1212 Commercial Drive

Time: 8-10 pm

Tickets: $5 with a receipt from Havana and $8 without. Cash Only! Tickets at the door or FREE if you sign up to read. Box Office at 7:00 pm, Doors at 7:30. No food or drink is allowed inside the theatre due to BC Liquor laws.

WHAT IS TEEN ANGST NIGHT?

Teen Angst Night is an open mic comedic reading series where everyday people read from their embarrassing old journals, poems, songs, essays (and more), in front of an audience.

WHAT IS A TEEN ANGST NIGHT LIKE?

Like a poetry readings meets AA meets stand-up comedy. There’s bad poetry, journal entries, old songs and other teenage angst performed by people who are mortified by what they created yet brave enough to share it with the world.

 

Want to read? Message me asap and I’ll try to squeeze you in.

RULES FOR READERS

The only rules that need to apply to Teen Angst nights are the following:

1 – The work has to be your own. ‘The work’ can be anything: poetry, journals, letters, songs, short stories, notes passed, online chats, anything so long as it’s your own and…

2- The work must have been written by you between the ages of 8-19. (Usually between the years between 10-17 are the most angst filled.)

3 – You have to be at least 3 years older than you were when you wrote ‘the work.’ (You need the emotional distance to get the funny).

That’s it!

Ok, but here are some guidelines for getting the most out of your Teen Angst experience.

1 – If you come across a piece of your own Teen Angst that you want to burn or rip to shreds because it is too embarrassing- that’s the good stuff! We want to hear that!

2 – Have fun. Sure, Teen Angst is cathartic but it’s not about going back to the dark pit of despair you were in at 15 it’s about laughing at yourself when you were 15 and being to fricken’ thankful that you’re not there anymore. If you have fun sharing, we will have fun listening.

3- Keep your readings around 5 min. Teen Angst nights are kind; we don’t audition, we don’t judge, but we don’t have all night. Choose the best bits and share your stories in 5 minute chunks and we’ll be begging to hear more!

That about covers it- but if you have any more questions, just ask.

How To Get A Boyfriend – Vancouver Edition

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There have been a lot of articles and blog posts lately about the terrible dating scene in Vancouver. Basically, what it comes down to is: women are bitchy snobs and  men are lame/shy/ all the Alpha males moved to Calgary or Toronto.

I just saw this video on Facebook posted by Robert Dayton (a hilarious performer formerly from Vancouver, currently based in Toronto) and I thought perhaps it has some insights on the Vancouver dating scene. Maybe Vancouver is the middle school of Canada. Toronto is the powerful adult, Montreal is the raging hormonal teenager, and Vancouver is still in the awkward stages of puberty. 

Here’s a tween girl’s dating advice.

In case you weren’t paying attention or didn’t bother to watch this adorable clip, I’ve summarized her notes. 

1- Find a guy you like.

2 -Bathe/ shower/ wash your face.

3 -Wear makeup.

4 -Be friends with the guy you like or at least try to talk to him.

5- Be a little flirty with the guy you like, but not too much. Say cutsey things like “Haaaay” and wink.

6- Tell the guy that you like them.

7- If they haven’t asked you out yet ask a friend to ask if the guy likes you.

8- Ask for their number or give them your number.

9- Encourage them to ask you out because you don’t want the reputation to be the kind of girl who asks guys out.

She doesn’t mention what happens after they ask you out, but as I remember middle school, once a guy asks you out you’re pretty much going steady. So, there you go Vancouver; remember to shower, wear make-up and get your friends to ask a guy if he likes you. Let me know how it works out. 

Book Your Tickets – Say Wha?!

 

 

Hello lovelies,

Next Sunday (January 29) is the first Say Wha?! show in a new space.

I’m so glad to see so many of you RSVP via Facebook, but here’s the thing. Havana only has 60 seats. Instead of using an advance ticket system, I’d like to try something out.

If you are for sure, FOR SURE, coming next Sunday, and want to book a ticket please.

A) email saywhacomedy@gmail.com with 1) your name 2) how many tickets you want

B) I will email you a confirmation of your reservation.

C) I will hold 10-15 spots at the door so if you want to bring an extra friend there’s still a chance they can get in.

Yay!

Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing

Havana Theatre -1212 Commercial Drive
Doors: 7:30 PM
Show: 8-10 PM
Tickets at the door: $8 with drink/food receipt or $10 without

Hosted by Sara Bynoe

Readings by:

Rachel Burns
Ivan Decker
Eric Fell
William Geoffrey Johnson
Joshua Kier
Lauren McGibbon
For more info please visit:

http://www.eastvancomedy.com

Note: Say Wha?! will be at the Cottage Bistro on Wednesday February 15 for a love-themed show. I will be reading from “Sex, Lies and Leprechauns.” 

Wha Happened?

 

If you’re a regular attendee of my events you might have heard that there is no Say Wha?! in December. If you haven’t heard, I’m sorry to break the news to you so late in the month. See, I’ve been busy. 

For the first time in a while I’ve been working on a full-time contract.  It turns out that producing Say Wha?!, Dance Dance Party Party, Teen Angst, performing randomly at Vancouver Theater Sports League’s Rookie Night and all the other events/ performances I do is pretty much a full-time job. I can’t possibly hold down two full-time jobs and keep my sanity. So, I had to make a very hard decision and cancel all my shows in December. 

Such is the life of a struggling artist. I hope you’ll understand and be there when the next show happens.

In the meanwhile, my job is researching for a new TV show and part of that research involves finding funny things on Youtube; I post the best stuff on Twitter, so you can get some laughs from me there. 

Frickin Lasers

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Friday night I went to a laser show at the Planetarium. Why, you might ask, I don’t come across as a stoner. You are right, I’m not. But I am interested in nostalgia and laser shows fit into that category of events.

Roundhouse Productions, who have been running laser shows in Vancouver for the last 33 years, are lowering the curtain on Vancouver’s laser stage. That’s right, Vancouver will be laser show-less as of February 2012.

I could not let the laser shows end without ever seeing at least one. So, last Friday I hustled up some friends for laser Radiohead and we sat under the giant dome ready to have our minds blown. Here are some of my thoughts about the experience.

Initial reaction: I’m afraid I’m going to have an epileptic attack.

After the first song: This is hilarious.

After the third song: This is boring.

After the picture of the demon in a closet: WTF?!

Then: This is hilarious, this is boring… the room is filling with smoke this must be ending soon.

Things I enjoyed about the laser show:

  1. Frickin’ lasers!
  2. The laser devil face
  3. See point 1

Things that could have made my laser show experience better:

  1.  If I was on drugs
  2. Laying down on the ground instead of sitting in a seat
  3.  See point 1
The laser shows on the menu included: Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Radiohead. I chose Radiohead because it was the only band I knew the songs of. I think. I know I watched The Wizard of Oz with the soundtrack of a Pink Floyd album once; again, I wasn’t on drugs for that experience either.

Laser shows I would like to see:

  1. Laser Beyonce
  2. Laser Lady Gaga
  3. Laser David Bowie
  4. Laser LMFAO
  5. Laser Madonna
  6. Laser Bjork
  7. Laser LCD Soundsystem
  8. Laser Deee-lite
  9. Laser Tina Turner
  10. Laser Muppets … two awesomes at the same time!
What’s that Internet? Some of this already exists? What a crazy world we live in.

For more information about when the next and the last laser show will be please visit Roundhouse Productions website.